Body Image and Me

I have battled with body image and my weight for over five years now. Twenty pounds is about all I ever wanted to lose. When I met my husband I was in a bad place mentally but I had a skinny model thin body. Once we started dating I started eating more normally and probably had a few too many restaurant meals. Since I’ve been in the UK I have researched weight loss and learned more than anyone ever needs to know. I’ve dieted and starved myself, I’ve run and I’ve lifted weights. The fact is my body is used to being the weight it is now and going lower is painfully hard work. Every time I try, I have a reasonably successful time until I get to the same point on the scale and then something happens to make me stop. I get stressed and snap or binge or whatever.

I had gained like 5 pounds here and felt sooo huge.

2008. I had gained like 5 pounds here and felt sooo huge.

In the last post I talked about the affect of the women you look at on your own body image. I discussed a new study showing that looking at different sized models affects what we consider attractive that very moment and I must tell you, I have experienced this in my own every day life. The office I work in is full of young, thin beautiful women, while I tend to float around the high end of normal and into the low end of overweight. Seeing all these skinny girls used to make me feel like a large, seriously unattractive amazon woman. I don’t think it’s just me either; it’s not uncommon for a new starter who is average size to lose a noticeable amount of weight within the first year. However when I was on maternity leave and not exposed to them every day I began to feel quite good about my body. I began to feel average and adequate as opposed to unusually large. (That might not sound good but average and adequate are much better than the stuff going on in my head previous to that!)

2008. Getting married in Las Vegas!

Losing weight is stressful on the body and you have to try to pamper yourself in every way possible including and especially sleep if you want to lose fat. I have never been in a non stressful place in my life here in the UK. First it was my job and now it’s my kids. I love them but they are hard work! Also I don’t have time for much sleep these days. So I’m not trying very hard right now to do anything other than not gain more…

Scratch that. I’ve been on a serious eating rampage for the past month or two and I need to cut it out. I always start out so well. I had my youngest daughter in March and started my post pregnancy diet in May. By October I had lost a good amount of weight, certainly all I had gained in pregnancy. Then I hit the ubiquitous magic number, had a stressful moment and freaked out. I intended to continue on my diet plan and just eat a bit more but that didn’t work out. I am either on the diet or OFF the diet. I didn’t really go overboard all that time though, until around the middle of January. I went back to work part time then so maybe that’s why I’ve obviously (to me) put on a few pounds.

2014. I can’t find any recent full body pics of me.

In any case, I am going on a “healthy eating” diet. I am not going to count calories (yet) I am just going to focus on mostly healthy foods. No sugary desserts, no takeout and no fried foods. I must eat some vegetables sometimes! I’m sure that will take care of 4 – 5 pounds. We’ll see what happens from there.

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